Horror movies. They are filled with jumps, anticipation, crazies, and the unknown. Annnnd that pretty much sums up why my toddler should be cast in one. But let me go into a little more detail.
- It all starts in the middle of the night. I hear a noise, for a minute I think that it’s a ghost or someone who has escaped prison, broken into my house and I’m done for. That’s it, this is how my story is going to end. But then I can’t hear the sound anymore and I quickly doze off. That doze is quickly interrupted by the feeling of someone looking at me, do I open my eyes or do I just let my life end there without knowing who is going to murder me? No, I have to look. I have to look at the ghostly thing that is about to end my story. So I do, I let my life flash before my eyes. When my eyes adjust, I see that two inches away from my face is my toddler. No talking, no sounds, just staring at me with an emotionless face. If this has ever happened to you, I know you know the feeling. The fear that comes over you because you were right, there actually IS someone staring at you and then the relief when you realize it’s just your toddler. If you haven’t experienced this, then your kid probably isn’t ready to be in a horror film, yet.
- Morning, it’s light outside which means nothing can go wrong because horror movies are always in the dark, right?? Wrong. My kids could create a whole new horror film genre. Mornings are filled with the usual breakfast, getting dressed, hair brushed, shoes on, get out the door in a timely and peaceful fashion. However, anyone of those things can make the normal, everyday morning…into a horror movie. Say for instance, I offer the wrong thing for breakfast to one—she wanted peanut butter toast and I accidentally made peanut butter and honey toast (rookie mistake) and the other’s banana breaks in half which happens to make it not edible, if you didn’t know. What happens next, I can only describe as a scene from the Exorcist. There may not be any heads that turn around but there are plenty of screams, hitting, crying, and the worst part is that I have no idea when it’s going to end and I just have to hold on tight and wait for the ride to be over–take a look at the horror movie below. I believe that every parent can check this off the list of horror movie possibilities-congratulations you’re on the road to stardom.
- Nap time. It should be glorious. It used to be glorious for me, until I had a toddler that stopped taking naps and I had to start calling it ‘quiet time.’ Quiet time means she has to play by herself, preferably in her room with the door closed so I can do some work around the house, or watch a little Real Housewives (I’ll let you guess what I do more of). I love the way the house is quiet and seemingly empty during this time. That is, until I start hearing weird noises and then my name being whispered over and over. Where’s it coming from, you ask? The monitor, the machine that I use to stare at to watch my angel babies sleep peacefully is now the machine that creepily whispers my name and utters other weird noises. It’s not the security cameras you have to be worried about looking at, it’s the baby monitor. Good luck.
- Alright, this last reason is more along the lines of a natural disaster, think a Twister type of movie. The day is dying down, and it is finally time to put the littles into bed for a nice long night of sleeping (except if reason number one happens). I walk back into the main living area and there is it—the mess of all messes. If someone said a tornado or earthquake hit my house, I wouldn’t be surprised. How is it possible that two little people can make such a mess? Everyone talks about Lego landmines on the floor, ours is more like a Shopkins, beads and mini hair brushes for dolls kind of landmine. Over at the table, it looks like an artist had a midlife crisis. And lastly, the playroom. Should I even mention the playroom? I still can’t figure out why I let my children have so many toys. If I got rid of everything and replaced them with a couple cardboard boxes, do you think they would notice?! Either way, lets pick everything up so that horrific tornado can just come back by tomorrow, shall we?
Is your child ready to be cast in the next horror blockbuster? Let me know the qualifications they have for their upcoming role 🙂